Journal Entry 6-30-20
So today I was thinking about how it's important to recognize all the actions you take when you're retreating from a problem and then in turn switch on your attacking mindset. It's really easy to get into a mode of being that subjugates satisfaction with the debilitating yet tempting effects of mindless activities.
Sometimes we just want a break, which is understandable. However, it is important to distinguish a celebration and retreating or forcing a mental subtraction of stress. Whatever your vice of choice may be, it's important to take careful note of when you are giving yourself a break and asking yourself whether or not that break is truly justifiable. I've been listening to A LOT of Jordan Peterson's lectures recently while I work my day business. He states that you should treat yourself as if you are someone who is reponsible for helping.
I find this very interesting that you can show how you view your consciousness by your actions that are healthy or unhealthy. His lectures have made me take the uncomfortable step of stepping back and looking at my actions for what they really are. Like how getting drunk, just to relieve stress from work is really not a good strategy to relieve stress long term. I think it's important to separate pleasure and celebration from your daily routine. This is something I am working on and probably will in some way for the rest of my life. I think this could be said about most people too.
By that I don't mean I think I'll fall back into drug addiction and try to get clean for the rest of my life, but I think it's realistic in a sense to predict rough times ahead where I might not align with who I want to be at times. And I also am starting to think that it really is just a big game of practice. Similar to practice in sports. Practice is the mundane and boring activities to get better, and then the test of the big game comes and you are emotionally and physically exhausted. However, if you trained well and performed well on the field, you can justifiably celebrate with your teammates over the great success.
Sometimes it seemse that life would be a lot better if the celebration part of that narrative was all the time. Honestly, the party every day lifestyle is very desirable in several ways. However, while being honest in the contrary, I have never experimented with that lifestyle and came out on top. And maybe that's just me, I'm not sure, but I think maybe we're looking at work and social life balance the wrong way...maybe I have been looking at the wrong way?
What if instead of trying to balance out life and work, which makes it seem atleast in my mind a juggling act, we instead were trying to integrate a fulfilling pattern in our life. It seems that maybe a pattern of practice 90% of the time, perform 5% of the time, and celebrate 5% of the time might be a good "balance in terms of time". However the ordered pattern is much more important it seems. If you celebrate before you practice or perform well in practice but not in a tournament, then maybe you're getting your order wrong. I only say these things after analyzing my own experience, and I wish to be able to talk to others about their experiences on this topic one day.
I digress. What I mean in all of this is that maybe balance is found not in juggling, but in patterns. Juggling seems to be a form of teetering just on the edge of chaos, rather a pattern integrates the right time for the switch of order to chaos to occur. I think I'll try this out with these ideas of written out for maybe a week or two, and see how it goes. Experimenting with potentially good habits never really struck me as a bad test.